Practicing Parallel Polyamory

Polyamorous Moment

For those that don't know...

There are different ways of practicing polyamory in terms of how you connect to your metas (metamours = partner's partners) and how your partners interact with each other.

There's Kitchen Table Polyam - partners and metas can gather around for a meal at the kitchen table.

There's Garden Party/Birthday Party Polyam - partners and metas can come together to celebrate an achievement or milestone

And there's Parallel Polyam - where partners and metas don't necessarily interact or even meet.

So let me share my journey of how I started and where I am now.

I started this journey individually. In questioning my sexuality, I was exposed to polyamory through a Black context and it finally connected. I introduced the topic to my now husband who I was in a situationship with at the time. Took him some time, but he realized he was individually polyamorous too.

Our original intention was to date separately in a V/Z/W dynamic. (Cause that's what we had been doing for 2 years anyway) But we were open to kitchen table and open to a triad organically forming. 

My husband is my best friend and we talked about EVERYTHING. So I naturally assumed we could talk about this. And while I deep dived into the logical/theoretical philosophies and culture within polyamory. I was not prepared for the emotional growth work. 

While I was already dating someone, my first emotional test was when my husband had someone over in his room (we've always had separate rooms) and he came to ask me if I would be okay if they had sex....

I didn't think I could say no and respect his autonomy. This was while I was pushing my boundaries in order to deprogram from mononormativity. This was also before discovering that I could have boundaries within polyamory. Some things would be just outside of my comfort zone. 

BOUNDARY #1

• Being in the house when my husband is hosting. And really facing the "evidence" of him having sex with someone (sight, sound, smell). 

  
  

It BROKE ME. And I realized through some very hard years that I never learned how to regulate my emotions (thanks parents). And my husband and I learned that he could not help me in my raw emotional processing of this. He was experiencing this new connection and being a part of my raw emotional process was changing his connection. I needed to find other sources (Journaling, video recording, polyam friends, polyam friendly therapist).

BOUNDARY #1

• I now know to say what I am comfortable with or not. Which respects his autonomy and gives him choice. It also honors my boundaries for myself. So if someone was coming over, I would busy myself outside the house. I've also said I could just get a hotel if need be

  
  

Now that we have our daughter tho, he just goes to his partner(s) houses.

After that first emotional test, we attempted a triad. That shit was all kinds of emotional for me as it was an unbalanced connection which I never wanted (I was like y'all can just be together. I don't have to be involved) 

BOUNDARY #2

• No triads. I want someone who wants me undeniably. I do not want have to share time between my husband and my other partner. 

But the biggest realization,

• I am uncomfortable witnessing my husband give affection to another woman. Compersion never came for me. 

• Kitchen table is off the table. 

  
  

I can do garden party if there's enough people and I can leave when I want. 

But what really started speaking to me was Parallel Polyam.

I don't have to meet his partners. 

I don't have to hear details of their connection as it was happening (which would set me on an emotional spiral every time) 

And my husband still has the freedom to connect with women. 

Now this awareness came when I was pregnant....

BOUNDARY #3

• I did not have the emotional capacity to process my emotions while breastfeeding a newborn. Nor did I have the time or space for it.

And I definitely questioned how my husband had time and space to be dating lol. (Postpartum rage was rampant on the inequality of exclusively breastfeeding on demand) 

Then 4 months later, my husband tried to date again, but it wasn't a good experience for him. 

• I also learned that I do not need to immediately reconnect when he gets home from a date. We can just go to sleep in our separate bedrooms and reconnect the next day. And I can just have me time for that evening. (In the early years, I was desperate for reconnection as a means of reassurance).

  
  

So now 8 years from when we both embraced polyamory, 

I have developed a ritual to feel my emotions, understand my emotions, process my emotions, and communicate my needs. 

And he's now dating someone new and having a positive experience and emotionally... it feels like a breath of fresh air. I give myself time and space if any feelings arise. 

But I am operating within my comfort zone. Within polyamory. 

He let's me know when he's going to see his partner and I am cool, calm, collected. 

No heart palpitations lol.

Oh I forgot to mention, 

I experienced jealousy in the first couple of years of him practicing polyamory but that pretty soon dissipated. I had more issues with envy, but as I'm open to dating again, that's gone. I'm now secure in myself as a woman, partner, and mother and I'm secure in my relationship. 

However, I have realized that the nervous system after decades of music and movies hardwiring my emotional safety to monogamy, still likes to freak out at overnights and new polyam milestones. Even if my brain and heart are fine. 

So I give myself space and comfort if that happens while the experience of time rewires my nervous system. 

But I will say, this parallel polyam practice is much more liberating emotionally for me. Go do you boo. Just make sure you respecting sexual health boundaries and we good. I don't need to know details. That's not my relationship. 

Other Lessons:

Now I have grown to be able to hear my husband's reflections of his experiences as he grows within his polyamory practice and identity. And I have found compersion in that. Not in the present moments but in the hindsight. In the growth. Now he finally has an established consistent partner and he shared some about their connection, and I'm just glad he's having a positive experience. And that's coming from:

• my lack of capacity and desire (like I can't give it so go get yours),

• I had the freedom of sexual nonmonogamous experiences in college and he didn't and I'm like yessss that was an amazing experience for me so I'm glad it's finally happening for him,

• and lastly just feeling really secure even admist conflict like we gonna work it out and reconnect eventually. 

It took almost a decade of self-reflection, emotional regulation and healthy expression, and not always transparent communication, to get to a place of peace within my partner dating. And I'm glad to finally be here.

Me practicing polyamory i have never had qualms about lol. But I SO need an established consistent partner. I have grown in my comfortability and confidence to approach women so I'm tryna be out here this summer!