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Challenging My Negative Core Belief

Writer's picture: LifeIsRocqiLifeIsRocqi

 

At 27 years old, and at 11 months, I am now officially in my longest relationship that I've ever had in my life. 


The reason this number is so significant to me is because I used it as way to confirm that I would never get married. That no one would ever choose me. That I wasn't good enough. 


Due to rejection from boys I liked since the 4th grade, this was always an underlying belief. Once I started getting into relationships in high school, that voice quieted down.

 

But every breakup, every abandonment, every rejection, it would appear again. 


And last time it shook me. 

I was on and off with my ex for 3 years. He broke up our official relationship after only 5 months. Now it was an amazing connection, I know now why it didn't work, but going through that shit HURT like hell. All the time. Cause I wanted to marry him. He was the first guy out of several boyfriends that I actually wanted to marry and could actually see myself marrying. 


But when I moved to California, he forced me to let it go. I am grateful for that because I probably wouldn't have on my own. (The ability to disengage was a lesson from therapy lol). 


After that, I dated a few guys, but nobody stuck. I went into grad school not wanting a relationship anyway. Grad School needed focus. Plus I was in San Diego. Limited Black population. And I needed time to heal.


Then I shot my shot and connected with another therapist from Hampton who was in Chicago at the time. Instant and amazing connection via FB. But nothing came of it. 


A year later, a month before my graduation, (which was perfect timing I had thought) he reached out and we started talking. I fell in love quickly. But we were across the country from each other. I was in San Diego. He was in New Jersey. Even though we did visit, but they were only days together and months in between, but then he moved to Oakland....


But we still had some individual growth to do. Which came to a head last August. Whew exponential ass amount of growth in a short ass amount of time.


And at 25 years old, with us still in ambivalence,  I let go of the expectation of getting married. I accepted that I would have a love filled and life filled journey in this world no matter if I never got married and no matter if i didn't have a romantic relationship. (This was before my sexuality exploration and acceptance). Cause let's face it, I'm a strong Black woman with a Master's Degree who isn't Christian, isn't about gender norms, has a drive to empower our people, am artistic, and an intellectual big kid. I'm not gonna work with everyone (I have since realized my greatness!) 


So I was okay with having kids on my own #SingleMotherByChoice. I knew how to fill my life with a community of love. And I couldn't control that aspect of my life. 


But with him, when we did let our connection flow unlimited...WHEW BABY! I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. First as best friends (he also taught me that not everyone leaves), co-parents (cause he is gonna make a wonderful father), then as business partners (Oakland baby!), then as companions cause we enjoy doing life together. 

(Lovers was intertwined throughout that lol. I meant loving each other as a person. What you think I meant? lol)


Once that exponential amount of individual growth occurred, it became an official relationship.


And the reason these 11 months and that number means so much to me, is because now the person who at 11 months makes it my longest relationship ever, is the person I'm going to spend my life with.


1 year will also be a big number because I would often say that as a confirmation that I wasn't good enough because I had never made it to a year with anyone. 


And we started our relationship by both acknowledging (on a high night lol) that we wanted to spend our lives together and we had now done the individual work we needed to be able to be together.


All that to say...

♡ Individual growth is crucial. I was not ready with my ex. And I wasn't ready for the first 2 and half years of knowing my partner. And he wasn't ready for me. You remember when I said "I shot my shot but nothing came of it"? He was taking time to heal from his ex. 


♡ I'm using this post to challenge my negative core belief. Saying that I am not only good enough, I am fucking GREAT! That someone did choose me but I also had to choose MYSELF. 


♡It was in the moments of choosing myself, truly choosing myself and honoring my needs vs. my wants, that there was a shift and an alignment appeared within myself, within him, and within the universe. 


♡We must let go of our expectations of what our life will look like and accept that it is a journey and as long you are truly choosing you and following your light, you are on the right path. 


♡ We must not allow other people's opinions of our lives hurry us into settling. 


♡Time doesn't mean shit. Connections do.


♡ We must find partners who uplift us and support us in such emotionally vulnerable ways. It is not your partner's job to be your therapist. We are both therapists and still went to our own individual personal therapy. But your partner can help you challenge those negative core beliefs that you have. BUT YOU HAVE TO DO MOST OF THAT WORK. It's like when it pops up randomly for me, he reaffirms me. Or because words of affirmation is one of my love languages, he is meeting my need. 


♡ Remember, through following me...I found him.


☆Find and follow your light. Ladies shoot your shot. And live a life that's best for YOU!


Through following me, I found him.
Through following me, I found him.

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